Monday, May 3, 2010

The Month of May

The month of May is going to be a joyful, scary, emotional, intimidating, crazy, margarita-filled, and an overall exquisite month.

My lime green refrigerator calendar has every day filled with a new experience...

Next weekend, I am hosting a garage sale for Bandade Animal Rescue.
If you live in Houston (or close to Pearland to be more precise), come by! 
We should have some amazing things... 
Plus, it's for a great cause. 

Blake's family is coming to stay with us for a few days for Blake's graduation.
I'm not going to get onto my little soapbox about how proud I am and how much work this has been...
Just wait until he actually does graduate.
Be prepared to sift through a hundred photos of Blake in a cap 'n gown.  

The Jimmy Buffett concert is only three short weekends away.
I'm prepping for the intense tail-gating that'll take up THREE days prior to the actual concert. 
If you aren't familiar with how fanatic and obsessed Jimmy Buffett fans are...
...just Google "ParrotHeads".

Warning: Be prepared for an abrupt change of tone.
Seriously... Close this window if you can't handle any immediate awkwardness.

For Memorial Day weekend, Blake and I are heading further north to Oklahoma City.
We are going to visit my family. 
There are a lot of things going on with my mom, dad, brother, and sister, 
but at the front of our minds is the treatment that my mom starts on Friday of this week. 
She'll start chemotherapy via IV. 
I'm not afraid to admit that I'm scared... terrified of this new chapter.
I know I'm supposed to be optimistic and all, but I'm not.
I mean, how is this supposed to work? 

She has a form of breast cancer that isn't curable.
From day one of her diagnosis, her doctor told us that this kind of cancer could only be maintained.

Will she be on chemo for the rest of her life?
Will she be bald the rest of her life?
Will she react to this chemo (physically and mentally) like her previous chemo treatments?
Two words: Chemo Fog

Yesterday, Blake was kind enough to push me into getting out of my pajamas and out of the house. We went out to our favorite Mexican restaurant for lunch, but in the midst of a margarita, I began to cry. 
While. Sitting. In. The. Middle. Of. A. Restaurant. 
That seems like a trend that is becoming more and more common. 
I feel bad for Blake and my friends in light of my current behavior.
I'm a red-rimmed, runny-nosed, wants-to-sit-in-a-ball-all-day mess. 
I just don't see how this is going to turn out in a good way. 

With every year that passes, this situation gets more and more desperate.
When she was first diagnosed with breast cancer after a lumpectomy, everything seemed normal, like she wasn't even sick. 
But now... can't be denied how sick she is.

What's going to happen?
How much longer?
Can anything else be done?
How am I supposed to behave?
How often should I travel back to Oklahoma?
What can I do for my brother and sister?
If she's holding on for grandkids, should I start infertility treatments again?
Could I handle a baby/failure of conceiving throughout all of this?


I need answers.
 I need faith.


I don't mean to sit here gushing about something so personal;
making everyone who reads this squirm with the awkwardness of my outpour.
It's just nice to let it out... with words that are carefully typed and edited.
(Which is a complete 180 to how I talk about these things with Blake... Poor Blake.)

The Month of May 
We'll have to wait patiently to see all that you hold.


  1. I hope this message comes out the right way. I cannot say that I understand your situation, my mother died in a heartbeat, so fast i never got a chance to say goodbye. I was driving to her house to hang out and by the time i arrived, my brother was standing outside and told me that she was dead. You have an opportunity though, one that was stolen from me. You cherish this time you have with her. You leave nothing left unsaid. I had to tell my mother how great she was when she was in the funeral home lifeless. it is so unfair that some of us lose our mothers at such a young age when we need them the most. My mom died when i was 22. It is like we lose our guide to being a woman, a wife, and a mother.

    But, when the time does come for you to say goodbye, you will be okay. It might not feel like it, but eventually you will be. Life will go on and you will too. It will be a different life, but you will pick up the pieces and just do it, because you have to.

    There is a book that you should check out. It is called Motherless Daughters. I forget who wrote it, but you can get it at Barnes and Noble. I am not gonna lie, it is a tough book to get through, but I found that it really helped me. I was having such horrible thoughts. Wishing other people's mothers where dead too because I felt jipped and everyone else should feel the pain i felt too. I had horrible dreams and horrible thoughts. The book really helped me understand that I wasnt a bad person, and helped me understand that this was normal and i would work through it.

    No one can answer all your questions, you just do what feels right for you. YOU WILL BE OKAY! I know that doesnt help you now, but you will be! You and your family are in my prayers!!!

  2. Here is what I know... There is never an easy time or way to loose a parent. My heart aches for you but try to remember... God's time is always perfect & God is good ALL the time! He WILL give you the strength and courage to get through all that you're facing. Most of all remember that the great sorrows of your life can never do anything to rob you of the great joys.
    xo, Jenn
    PS. There's nothing wrong with a day spent in your PJ's. Sometimes we need to be sad before we can be strong!

  3. My heart aches for you,I have lost my son ,mother ,father and sister in just a short time. God will hold you together.Not a day goes by that I don't think of them.
    Hugs, Patsy

  4. From someone who has been through both situations, just know that God is always with you. He has a plan.

    You are reacting the way you should!

    :) Prayers are being said.